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Today has been the biggest flex on my mental and emotional being

Well not today, but the past few months. ,today tho I just wanted to give it all up. To just put an end to it

I wanted to answer to the whispers of the darkness…because for the first time I felt worthless, insufficient, inadequate you name it

When life gives you so many Ls..and others so many wins, it gets to a point you question so many things…,trusting the process feels like such a hoax,

Crying myself to sleep almost every night, disappointed to be awake every morning. ,Because the better tomorrow looks alot like same old yesterday or worse today, it doesn’t get easier by the days..it gets worse.you feel worse you want to give up more you’re just done fighting and hanging in there

You start to accept that you’re trash.,and probably not worth much considering life itself is showing you so, you start to accept that you’ll probably clap for way more people before it’s your turn, you start to feel like you’re the easiest and fastest replacable thing and whether you’re here or not.. everything will be okay, people will move on soon enough,

It’s starts to feel like you’ll never escape this darkness, like this is my sentence for a crime I have no idea about. Where are the rewards for trying to be good., Where’s the good fortune for those who have Faith.., when will God if he exists show his favor or atleast just a touch of grace and good fortune to just be a break from the turmoil and the pain

You start to accept that maybe life is breaking bonds because people are much better off without you..,because bad things happen with you around and good things start going with you gone, that maybe you’re the black sheep that needs to be cast away to isolation, to die in my thoughts, and realities, to hope for a fast death, to leave all this
behind..,to just STOP with the pain

Hope seems to kill me, the thought of light at the end of the tunnel is too bleak because all I’ve been in is darkness and cold and wrath,

And that just maybe, not everyone gets to see the light, some are doomed to the darkness, and the pain and the solitude, s

• 

With every sunrise is a new dawn, with surprises we can only live through the day to see, with some days bad, most days okay and few days exhilarating.., we can only hope to have more of the ecstasy and less of the pain

The past few days being somewhat an emotional turmoil., Let’s be honest when’s not? 😂

I started taking pleasure in the small things,

A beautiful sunrise, and an even more gracious sunset, getting lost in the lit sky, in the beautiful stars and can we not stop talking about the moon 😍

It’s in the smile of a stranger, the blessings of someone you helped, it’s in the sarcastic comments others make as you pass by, most are usually hilarious, tbh men are hilarious,

It’s in the debate people are so engrossed in , without a care of who’s right and who’s not, it’s in the perfect landscape, it’s in the green, is it just me, or does green just have something in it that makes things feel better, kinda like Ice cream does 😋

It’s in the pretty cars that make you remember your ambition , it’s in the handsome strangers you get to randomly see, and then having to contain your rogue mind

It’s in the perfect rainy morning, that goes perfectly with cuddles and hot chocolate but let’s stick with the hot chocolate because oh well the cuddles are a bit lacking,

It’s in seeing that life isn’t as bad as you thought once you see the street families begging, helping when and where you can and then saying a prayer for all the times you can’t

It’s in the lessons of the past

It’s in hugging my dog at the end of the day., Seeing how excited he is and how playful he gets, it’s in all the kisses I give, it’s in his eyes everytime I say goodnight and have to lock the door, it’s in the longing, it’s knowing he’ll always be that happy seeing me and I’ll always forget my troubles seeing him

It’s in the elite friends who know your ugly, good, pretty scars you name it. ,it’s knowing they’ll always pick up, it’s in me being there for them as much if not more, it’s in dreaming together, it’s in that sisterhood that you find love, laughter, a shoulder to cry in, someone to check you, and tbh I’m.so grateful that so many of you consider me a such..,

Its in the calls you see and know it’s time for me to be at my best therapist self for y’all despite the fact that y’all don’t listen 😂😂PS; IMMA START CHARGING Y’ALL, 🤣🤣

It’s in; The present moment😍

And the dreams for the future🌟

It’s life, 😘

To Being back🖤💯

T

Being non-confrontational is a trauma response

Before you get a stroke thinking all the fights you walked away from is you acting out on past traumas..,well ..it maybe is or it could actually be a good thing with valid reasons behind it..,I’m probably not making it any easier so let’s dive right into it😉

You see all those times you walk from fights because you feel like your response won’t be valid enough, or because you feel helpless more so because the one ranting feels like a parent,and you’re the helpless kid who just has to take it..,then that’s a trauma response..,

I completely get it,because even to this big age of almost 25 I still cry when my folks get at it with me..,well I talked back once😂😂and the whole environment I got into after that made me choose flight more often than fight, also because I’m ruthless and I hurt people’s feelings a lot when I argue..,so chosing assertive over agressive had to be the way for my peace and theirs

Do I still get confrontational in some scenarios? hell yeah! Not as much as I would like to..but after this article maybe I will..,

Chosing flight is a good thing in the sense that; it means you’re analytical and you will only fight if you have to,but you’d rather let their anger play out then find peaceful ways to resolve shit, it also means that you’re open minded chosing to see both sides and work around what will be the best compromise for both sides

You’re aware ,you’ve been in that position before and probably burned a bridge coz of giving in to your impluse, so anytime you’re presented with the option of confrontation you chose to be rational, because you’ve been burned before and you’d rather not go down that road again..,more like a kid who gets burned never touches that particular thing that taught him a lesson

So anytime you’re in that position., Whatever choice you’ll make at least now you can gauge your reasons for making it..,if it’s all from a trauma response here are a few things you can do; practice confrontation with someone who won’t get off on you as bad; just to be able to get your edge and learn how to stand up for yourself; remember you’re an adult this is incase you’re acting on the parent-child trauma scenario.,

Because you are worthy, and your opinion matters, and standing up for yourself doesn’t always have to end in a losing that friendship or relationship;

BE BOLD; BE YOU

🥂🥂to being confident and self aware.., ciao👋 till next time😘💓

If you could write a letter to your days what would it look like? mine would look more like this;

Thursday,thank you🤗 for being kind to me,

Thank you for the peace I’ve experienced today; for this break you’re giving me from my usual turmoil and distraught

Thank you for making me smile alot today than I have in so long

For making me feel like everything will be okay; for the assurance that my dusk is turning to dawn; daybreak and light at last

Thank you Thursday; for making me bring joy to those around me today; for making me kind because you have been kind to me, for making me bring smiles on those I love because you’ve brought one on me

Thank you for being the break I needed., Hell,,I needed one good day atleast and you came to me..,☺️

I would love for you to linger on a little longer, or maybe forever, keep giving me this bliss and serenity

But I know you have to go..,so Friday can be someone’s day too..,

Please tell other days to be like you; atleast for the rest of this year

Bye Thursday; so long my love..,come back soon🤗

I love you💓🥂💯

Does it ever go away, will there be a shift, to more happy days will my eyes get a rest from all the tears , will my heart ever be at ease., A break from all the migraines of just trying to figure it out

Will I start a day and end it on the same high vibrations if not more.,without the darkness creeping up on me

The doubt, the self loathe, the agony, the uncertainty, the darkness..,will these ever really go away..or will they be back at some point

A saving grace, I need to find myself again, I’ve been too lost, I can hardly remember who I was, I’ve been so deep in the dark..the hope of light just feels far too gone

Things I wish someone told me;, that things will get tough, that there will be a time, you’ll cry to sleep, that on some days your will to live will be so far gone, you’d trade your life for basically anything just to put a stop to it, that there will be days you’ll sleep all day and still wake up exhausted, that I’ll have all the basic needs but I’ll still be sad., unfulfilled

That good papers will hardly do anything, that I’d need more, I’d need to be more..,do more., That this phase would come, feeling stuck and lost..and that it’s a phase to rediscover myself

But what does that even mean? when I can hardly remember who I was.,what I’m good at, when I’m drained almost all the time just trying to think about it.,too tired to even start, that I’m still wallowing in the mud., drowning Everytime I try, that in all this it’s still up to me to figure my shit out., While still taking care of everyone else

That I have to keep bringing light to others when I’m in the darkest pits,that I can still love others when I can’t even love myself on most days., Tbh I prefer this version,helping others because my life is too much of a puzzle to even start with.,problem with this though..,is that as soon as they figure their shit out they’re gone.,to make life better for themselves, which is only given because being in their shoes I’d do the same..I’d walk so fast from this darkness because it eats you alive.,drains your soul

I’m I okay? Obviously not..do I wanna talk about ? Heck no..,will things get better? They better fucking do.., so I’mma just fake the happiness till I make it because that’s really the most I can do with myself, can we go back to talking about your lives instead? Please yesss

The first step is the hardest right?

I give you this.., a script of my random thoughts., a reflection of my soul.,and my deep desires.,

Being someone who’s afraid of not being enough, you sure make me feel like I am,..you were one big red flag tbh😂😂😂but thank God red’s among my favorites.,

Thank you for letting me in too, for sharing your flaws with me, for trusting me as much as you do, and thank yourself for the kind of progress you’re making, it takes a strong person to own up to their past and to want to be better..and you’re getting there , you have a heart of gold(na si chocha) and you’ll make an amazing dad one day which gives me some mad ass baby fever.😂 Yes you do these things to me

On most days the thought of this just being another one of my encounters scares the shit out of me..because I want it to be endless.i want it all: to build empires with you..to be your number one cheerleader when you’ll be doing your music.to come home to you, to vacay’s,to church on Sunday mornings,to bring smiles to people’s faces with you there, to grow, inspire,challenge each other but since I already know what you’d say..one day at a time..so far I’m grateful for the days we’ve had..

Thank you for showing me that flaws are beautiful,that broken pieces deserve a chance too, that even bleeding hearts can be restored.,

Thank you for the days you make me smile..,even for the days I wanna kick your ass too😂😂thank you my love for all the plans you want us to share together.,, thank you for loving me even on days I can’t love myself.,thank you for being my sanctuary when everything around me goes to shit..,you are the one person I always look forward to just being with

God bless all the plans you have..and that you’ll be able to scale to all the heights you want and more.,that you’ll prove all of them wrong.. I hope I’ll be there so I can rub it in their faces😉 because there are so many layers to you and I love all of them

So Thank you love for the memories ❤️ and to many more..,I would go on and on..,for days but today all I can say is thank you,.and I hope I make you feel as good as you make me do..taking my chances with you was the best thing ever😍

Always remember you’re fucking amazing 💓🥂

People who easily cross bridges for others,,are the same ones who get so stuck when they need help, because we really don’t know how to ask for help., or rather we don’t want to be a burden, we also don’t know how to articulate what exactly we want😂😂😂 but we really need help .. and alot of the times we keep to ourselves are times when we are fighting the hardest battles..and silence for some reason gives a certain peace we always crave

Or more like, we like to thug it out.., figure it out on our own..because really; talking about it..gives a temporary relief but in the long run.., we still cry ourselves to sleep..still stuck.., and helping others is easier because we know…we relate to pain all too well to know what others need even without them saying it .,and it feels good night thinkng about our own problems and just focusing on others gives a sense of happiness I can’t put into words

Before you get too excited., thinking I’m here with a solution 😂😂😂

I’m not .im here to ask help for us..because we really need to fix it..or rather I feel the need to. ,

Because if you relate to anything I’ve just said… my best guess is your relationships are shit too😂., Because we hardly say anything…we smell something fishy..or pick up a wrong vibe and we gone…we don’t even bother breaking it off😂😂 we just cry over the wishes we had..and wake up and move on and then cry again at night and wear the biggest smiles ..all over ..

In my defense..when it comes to relationships., Mixed signals and situationships fuck me up so bad because.,I’m such a hopeless romantic( ps..this is so hard for some to believe because i have a resting bitch face😂, and I’m a complete bitch at times..and if I have been to anyone. Fuck you .you provoked me. I’m a nice person) and i give too many shits..and I wanna help all the time, and spend time with you, and just talk to you,pray for you..😂😂yes i said it..I pray for people and im such an ass to other people during this time.

And being in this situation more times than not…i hate the conversations that have to do with..what are we?

1. Because if we were anything solid we wouldn’t have this conversation..I wouldn’t be in this limbo.,

2. They’ll find some sweet lies ..and my dumb ass just gon believe that shit😂😂😂😂im selling my heart for this reasin FYI .hmu for any ready market😂😂😂

3. Because it already means I’m giving more than I get..,and tbh cutting them off is usually easier than the conversation., Because also more often than not they leave so good riddance

And when you do this alot of times…you start getting comfortable with being alone.enjoying your own company is not only a good thing. But very eye opening

Gist is though..,when you get to a point where dispensing potential relationships because they feel like they’ll be some work… I think that’s a problem and that’s where I’m at..because what the hell are you having the coversation for.. right?

How the hell will we meet soulmates if this is us😂😂 in as much I want to try and have conversations more ..I also feel like I’ll need a really strong personality ..to just be like ..Girl sit your ass down and let’s talk..because i just be packing my knock off purses 😂😂 and I’m tired of packing only to start a similar journey just with a different driver🙄

Anyone with a diagnosis of what this symptoms might be😂😂hmu ASAP

🥂 here’s to having conversations.,

To.., not packing our knock offs😂🥂to healing

🥂to strong personalities and not settling for less(this depends on how low your bar is ofcourse 😂)

It’s always a pleasure 😘😘..beautiful souls

We always blame society for so many things like we aren’t part of it..infact we are it’s entirety..,society is us

So the next time we want to lash it all out to society …it’s you. And me and them

We are the ones who judge people on different stereotypical scales that were made up by us.., for some reason ..,we are judge, jurry and executioner. With all our dark ugle skeletons hidden safely. We condemn others, most of the time for what we’d probably do in their situation,

We’ll judge them for being homosexuals when you’re probably cheating on your wife with your son’s friends, you’ll judge the girls getting pregnant at young ages, just because you chose abortion at your young age, you’ll judge them for hating certain races..,when you clearly instruct your kids to choose someone from the same ethnic tribe as theirs.,

You judge them based on their religion,when you hardly ever practice doctrines from yours., Or should we talk about how your preacher is out here doing the unthinkable with innocent souls,,.yes I guessed so too . You don’t want to go there..you condemn them for their political affiliation without even asking why they’re there..,

We judge the women whoring themselves to make ends meet., When you’re there doing the same exact things.. only with your uncle’s and dad’s friends…friends dad’s…

We judge those talking about these rotten issues in society..because we don’t have the guts to do it ourselves.,

We need to be better.., try and understand people’s perceptions…and if not ….if your holier than thou act can’t recon with this .then just stop minding other people’s affairs

Live your life by ..your own scale

#Tufagie kwetu🥁🥁

Everytime anyone asks me, what’s my biggest fear when it comes to getting attached to people..,I would hardly come up with an answer,

But then I figured it out..,my biggest fear is not being enough,😂😂pathetic, right? I know

But just the thought makes me run, thinking that I would give a shit about someone..and they wouldn’t give the same kind of shits.. uuussh ..makes me so proud of my vibrator 😂coz that bitch gon give shits for as long as she got batteries,🤗😉

being in the actual situation…I was right,telling people to stop giving too many shits about other people, it feels like shit, you literally wanna cry at some point, and you wait,,for them to show even the least effort so you can use that as an excuse to go back🤪🙄

And when they don’t. It hits home, that they didn’t ask you to give a shit about them in the first place .they didn’t tell you to stop seeing your random hookups for good quick fixes,,heck they didn’t even ask you to think of what a future would be with them ., Fam they didn’t ask you ..and they were right…

They have the right to go off unbothered ..to their random fixes, and good hooks..,they will still go about their life..like you didn’t even exist.,they already replaced you probably..and if not they’re holding 🔥 interviews for it😂😂you probably wanna kill me by now ..but I’ve been down that road more times to know I’m spot on .,

And you weren’t necessarily wrong..,you just did what you thought they’d do for you..,you gave everything because you thought what you were getting was everything..and yes you’ll have to pick yourself up and get your shit together again…the same circus all over again just a different monkey

And all those days you wake up… feeling a million unrelated things, just know it’s part of the process, and on the days you wake up and you really miss them..,just find a way to go through it.,gets worse when they’re the first ones you think of when the little things happen and you want to gush all about it to them, also find a way to go through it

Remember there was a time you were stuck on someone else..and you moved on like a champ… you’ll do it again

And after going through that cycle enough times.. you’ll probably get to a point of just giving it all up..,or maybe you’ll get to a point of having it exactly how you wanted…with someone as nice as you, if not better..,or you’ll just tuck your heart away and

Whatever decision you make.., make sure it’ll serve you., Because it’ll all come down to you..when things go to shit

🥂to being good people,

🥂to attracting positive experiences,.

🥂to being phenomenal 🤗

😂😂people are really entertaining 😂

Have you ever just sat down and watched people? Legit you’ll be out here laughing your ass off and looking like a crack head😂

It gets even more interesting when they’re watching you

So today…,I was just out in the streets, enjoying the day! I weirdly love Mondays 😂😂ik you wanna kill me but yes I love Mondays ..I just wake up in a bliss and bubbly mood and things just work out

I also love Thursdays 😂well I was born on a Thursday and it’s in line with my zodiac so….yess I believe in astrology too😉if you don’t..try it💯

So back to today…I was out here living life😂my playlist was on fire for some reason .and I was dancing…I love dancing I fucking love it…in town folks I was dancing in town …and ofcourse aside from looking like a crack head😂😂I was having fun and some people were smiling

I know they wanted to burst into dance moves but just couldn’t

And tbh😂I loved it the mood, I was in..folks let’s enjoy life..on the days you wake up and you feel amazing then be a butterfly colour up the world, make people smile;

Because tbh the best way to have the simple things we crave; peace , happiness, laughter, smiles..Is by giving it to others …there is more joy in giving than receiving…

Try put a smile on someone’s face once and see how happy you feel..it literally gives you peace 😇

To living a happy carefree life;:😘😘🥂