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Have you ever gotten to a point in your life..you literally beg God to take you..

Your life gets so dark, that death feels safer and more peaceful

That in your list of pros and cons; death wins, this is when you know you’ve literally hit rock bottom,

The last three months have been this for me,.,a few of my friends probably know because of how much I vent, some probably know because I’d say thank you for making me feel safe without explaining what I mean

And tbh, writing this is kinda difficult because I hate talking about my weaknesses and feelings and also because given the culture we’ve grown in it’s going to be considered a wimp, because we Africans don’t believe in mental health, we don’t see how someone with basic needs would still be depressed, we don’t get why people get suicidal.

.it’s very ignorant, shallow and I hope we start catering to this issues because evidently corruption has become part of our culture so let’s make mankind better atleast by catering for mental health,

So for those really mentally okay, this piece isn’t for you,, for those loves losing grip of their lives then I’m here because I know what it feels like to drown , I know what it feels like to look at your wrist and try chose the vein to pop because fuck it..,

I know what it feels like to wake up and just think fuck I have to do this all over again., Get up help out with things that will go unappreciated, that you have to wake up and look at the faces of those who should be your main support system being the ones dragging you down

That the place you call home becomes the one place you can’t wait to leave, that everyday there’s a meltdown after meltdown to a point your migraine is so bad..and you kinda smile because you feel death is close

Writing this now, I have a few truths to throw around,

In the end it’s all on you to crawl out of it, because many at times the people we suffer for have no remorse and they’ll never change because they feel entitled to you, they’ll probably still be toxic and yes I’m talking about families.alot of pain lies in these blood bonds, because in as much as you want to burn the bridges for some reason you can’t.,

Because better the devils you know; right? So you stay and take the BS..wake up slave for them and let them ahit all over your efforts go to your room cry, sleep wake up with a splitting migraine, pray for death

And because ofcourse we don’t get what we want you wake up..and there comes a day you just get tired and accept that that’s it.. that’s the cycle for now and you promise yourself that once you move out you’re done,😂😂sounds more like that abusive boyfriend you keep bevause who will love you if they don’t, who will appreciate what you bring to the table if they don’t

And that’s just the thing; we sink and drown because those negative words start sinking in, I’m useless, and a headache, they’re better off without me, she would never have been a mum on top of being called slut and other demeaning words; having talked to several friends of mine..there’s usually an animosity with mums and daughters.,idk why but I hate it

Because I don’t get it, you made the choice to be a parent, so taking it out on your kids who didn’t even ask to be born is uncalled for, completely just because you have a womb doesn’t mean you always have to use it, because alot of people have brains they’re not using and the world hasn’t stopped

It was SOLELY YOUR DECISION..that child didn’t ask for it…if we’re wrong correct us in a good manner don’t go hurling insults..because all you’ll get from that kid is resentment and then you’ll get mad again when really it’s all on you..,

Having gone through all this…tbh I look forward to feeding hens and playing with my puppies more than I do spending time with family., It’s sad and it hurts but sometimes letting some boats sail.is easier than trying to bring it back to shore

I love my family..and I care for them but sometimes we just have to love from a distance, because really it’s safer and a little more peaceful..the less the interaction the less the yelling the less the bonding the more at peace I am

I have a lot of healing to do, we all do but for now let’s just survive this, lets get through one day at a time., Animals are therapeutic tbh..so try it..and you’ll see … you’ll love animals more than people😂😂meditate , practice positive thoughts and yes I know it’s easier said than done ofcourse but one day at a time..and I can’t wait for us to break these chains holding us down

I’m his demon or he’s probably mine

My angel, or maybe I am his, on some days..,I don’t really know

Tbh I can’t quite say who’s the demon and who’s the angel..because we have tendencies of both

But darkness is my favorite, the quiet and peace it gives …is nothing compared to what the daylight gives

I’ll probably just call him the demon because he says he’s full of darkness, and I can see the dying need to tell me all about it, and the uncertainty of how I’ll react, the fear of being left or maybe it’s the difficulty in having to spell it out, to cast his demon out for me to see, having to face it

What he doesn’t know is that I get it all quite well; and his darkness, his imperfections make me feel safe,like I’ve been here before..#funny this is don’t know how this story ends# they’re so familiar, he probably won’t believe it when I say I have a cage big enough for his demons too😂😂and maybe our demons will be besties😂😂(because that’s what people say before they leave)😂pretty fucked up I know 🤪

My demon probably thinks his hell is too hot, not knowing I’m too familiar with it, the heat, the darkness it brings, the chains..,not just his hell but all the demons I’ve met and the few times I’ve been one, it’s the same hell

But if we switch roles and he happens to be the angel, which so far he is ;I hope he’ll be able to take the hell I come with, my demons; my silent demons that turn too rogue for my cage..,

That his angel spirit will perhaps help, or better yet.,that his skills for dealing with demons will actually work on mine

His light will quell my demons..,that they’ll feel safe

And that we’ll get to a point of complete vulnerability..,without walking on eggshells around each other, and that when it’s my turn I’ll actually be able to give sth tangible,break my walls, because he hardly says it but he hates how secretive I am, well he hates how much I hold back, but he gets it.., it atleast I hope he does.,

I hope he knows deep down, I’m just scared that I’m a bigger demon than he is, or maybe he’ll ever be, that the layers I’m made of are hardly impressive

That I just switch up sometimes, that I’m sensitive and a complete demon other times, that I’m a balance of both light and darkness

And if indeed my demons don’t co-exist with his

I’ll still rule; lighy

Maybe I wasn’t meant for love, and maybe that’s why it hardly works,

Maybe that’s just an illusion or maybe I have been in love before and it was shit

Maybe I was meant for love, but not with this generation, not in this world

Maybe I slept too long and woke up with an old soul in a new world

Maybe I was meant for other things; world order, financial freedom, anything..just not love

Maybe I stopped believing and I’m still in denial, that something so beautiful doesn’t exist, that people just try to make it exist. Picture perfect

Maybe this craving is all.i was meant to have, giving love and hardly getting it back probably was my purpose

Or maybe…,

I’m just too in my feelings and badly crave sth that looks, feels, like love

Or maybe…., The illusion of love is the safe haven I want to escape my realities

The little light that gives you hope that things will be just fine…,the shadow of the horizon tat shows you..the journey is almost done., That you made it

Maybe I’m just saying I’m.not meant for love because..,

I’m scared of losing myself, and having to piece myself back up.., maybe I just can’t give up control of myself because that’s all I really have

Or maybe..,

I’m just scared of not being good enough, that one day he/she will walk out and never think of me again

Or maybe I’m more scared that they were never in love with me to begin with, that it’s my bubbly, lively energy they needed to feed off and that once I’m out of that energy they’ll stop at the next station and get their journeys going

Or maybe I say it,to shield others from the damage I can cause, it’s easier to deal with your broken pieces alone so you avoid cutting up other people.,and leaving them with scars they never asked for and leave them regretting

JUST MAYBE!!! 💓

Love is alot of things..,it’s a good feeling or rather its a good high, it can also be a bitch….uuuh it is a bitch actually ..Now that you’ve thought of all those people who sparked different loves in your life

Now let’s talk love in terms of forgiveness

Tbh forgiving is hard and forgetting is almost impossible. In a marriage😂😂you need more forgiveness than love😂😂😂when they leave the toilet seat up, when they change where your toothbrush is, when they chew loudly, or they ate your snack without asking😂petty right..,

Funny thing is… no! it’s actually sad and appalling,and gruesome that most married couples fight over these very petty things and when I mean fight, I mean war..,if you’re African mostly Kenyan grew up in an average home, you’ve seen this with your folks, the fights they used to have, in that little spot you’d hide in to watch it all happen ,as you cry and pray he doesn’t kill your mum…and you see that anger you feel when she doesn’t walk away after that,because deep down you know that if things were reversed two things would happen; 1, you’d have walked away or 2. killed him#I know it all too well#.,I still feel it when I stare at some walls and it all comes back and there I am back to being 10 yrs in those ugly nights when other kids were sleeping peacefully and I was praying for the safety of one and sad to say the death of another …anyway story for another day or maybe Therapy (I don need this shit)

After such a long time, it is now that I’m seeing how much forgiveness is needed in a marriage and Family. Everytime I’m watching the news and stories if couples fighting over these very petty issues to the point of killing each other.makes me so mad..,because it doesn’t make sense to me

I’d rather die by my own hand than let a man kill or maim me. Is he really worth it ? Is that pain with every cut worth shit? That marriage you’re trying so hard to fight for, is it worth the pain?, because he’s going to replace you as soon as you’re burried…if he even cares to wait that long, don’t you think you’d have done much better for your kids if you ran

And I know you stay because of the kids..I’ve heard this talk before,I know this ground all too well, but they are his kids too. And yes I’m a woman and yes I just said it…they are his kids too…fucking leave …you only have one life

And speaking as a kid who’s been in this fuck. .. they’d rather you leave ..deep down they know its the best thing to do..because they can see . And as much as parents like to act like nothing ever happened …it destroys the kids, in so many ways. And that hurt goes so deep oh my God ..and the hate they will have for that man you call their dad.,that hate will never leave their hearts, Trust!! they’ll act right and shit but there will be days they will wake up even after all that is over and still hate him.,daang they could spill his blood and dance on his grave

Ever heard a saying” to get your kids to adore you, love their mother,. It’s true and the opposite works well too

PS. To Future dad’s, love your wives/baby mamas because you chose her.., she’s your poison..Deal with it

When it gets to a point you are fed up, walk away,. Fuck society and those teachings on how a woman should persevere, to build her home, stay and look after the kids, the home needs you,stay for the kids,

Well I’m here with no experience of being married for shit to say

You are the home. Your heart, your womb is the fucking home ..and you can’t have that dead ..so Forgive but don’t stay connected

,

Y’all think a break up is the worst thing to happen?

Try being a shitty person..and especially to someone who means so much and is going through too much😣

Being shitty is usually a reaction to so many things.,insecurities, traumas idk not having enough love idk every shitty being has their own excuse..

My excuse….I wish i knew the answer to that

All I know is that today..someone really needed me and my head was too far up my ass to even notice it

And by the time I realized it…well

If you know me … You know that by that time I’d already ruined everything with my almost everything and yes I think this is it

I don’t really blame him ..I deserve it.. the silence..and everything that comes after that

Of all the days to be shitty… today I would have atleast held my hot ass tongue.., today I’d have told him he’ll be okay and I’m here but I didn’t.., but if he ever gets to read this

IM SORRY from the deepest part of my heart ., I am

And all y’all dick heads trust me

Being a shitty person eats up your soul…

Not at first..,but it will…when you hurt someone who wants nothing but the best for you, someone through who.,you see how broken you are ..and a glimmer of hope of how whole you’d be

I should know ..or rather I have just known and tbh I honestly just want to die..break apart from my skin because my soul can’t be that broken…how do I get to breathe life to other people and ruin so many good things that come my way…

Being Nice goes a long way after all

Maybe start over,.or start a fresh. Be selfish with each other,. Better than the old times

To have and to hold; they say. Can we have that? Can we atleast admit that we want to,. Before we pick all the reasons why not,. using our insecurities and traumas for justification, Being the colossal f**ks we tend to be at times.

Trust each other 💯. With all of us, the good and the ugly. Especially the ugly, can we? Promise to be there when it gets tough

Can we play in the rain, dance,. Go for walks ,look at the stars,be silly,make each other meals,read books,share ideas,be each others moral compass to critic and congratulate with the purest of hearts, stare at the beauty of life and just be grateful for the moment,

Can we have all this and not want more? Do you think we can?

Can we even have it in the first place?

Or are we;

Not one of the lucky ones

Can we believe that this feeling of drowning, sinking gand running won’t be forever. That we will find home and love life more with each sunrise and sunset to remind us to cherish every moment

But then again,

Can you promise there are better days? And that we will be different?

Or will we drown, like the rest of them? And shutter into more pieces, with deeper cuts

than those we healed from the beginning

And better days? How do you know for sure. Or is it hope that keeps us pushing

I have no answers to any of these. All I have is a familiar feeling, a happy safe homely feeling

I hope you do too

As we wrap up the year, ofcourse there are things to be grateful for, things we’ve learned from, things we want to forget completely

Just now I wanted to make a pros and cons list of my year..and my pros literally had such few items…while.ky cons was overwhelming..

I’m grateful for life, family, friends, my internship..well bits of.it.,

Saying that I’m.super grateful for the fact that my mental status is surprisingly still infact. This has been the year I’ve been the most depressed, its been the year I’ve cried myself to sleep more often than not,its been the year I’ve fought the darkest mental battles..its been the year I haven’t been myself the longest., It’s the year I’ve been most destructive just looking for a get away from the sinking sand its been..,it’s been the year suicide has crossed my mind in ways I can’t even explain..,it’s the year I’ve cut ties with people I saw a complete ass future with;some I just lost., It’s been the year I’ve just wanted to quit on life itself 😣😭😭

2019 truly has been an year..,

And I’m also so grateful for the few favorite people 😍💕💕 I spend most my days with.., y’all dont know it buy youve been an amazing source of joy, strength and love..and as some of my loves are about to begin the most amazing chapters of their lives..yes baby mama you know it 😉😉😍💃I honestly can’t wait to see how amazing of a mum you’ll be,.

2020 please be nice to me..and everyone else who wanted 2019 to be their last..,

Im still not certain the turn life will take, with all the uncertainties i still have, the pain I still need to heal from,.. all i can do is just hope its all going to be for the best,

Happy New Year my loves

☯️😍💓hope life treats you well.

Today started out so good😋
It was bright and beautiful, the sun rays ooh my..😏

I loved how warm and soft the rays landed on my skin ☺️

And then I remembered; something and some people..and how dirty they did me..🤪🙃

And I legit almost lost it😂 I literally had to pep talk myself outta that shit

I just didn’t get why, now of all times .

I’m flipping;

when I’ve been the bigger person for so long

When I chose to walk away from all that shade:;

Which brings me to this:

Being the bigger person is really hard

And it takes so much to just let go..and let karma💆

Sometimes I wanna flip so bad that even I don’t recognize myself ⚡

Then there are days..I’m at peace with myself and just let it go

But tbh; do all people deserve it

, to let them be and let karma

What if I wanna be their karma and destroy them.twice as much as they did me

Make them regret knowing me as much as I did them

Ooh make them cry..

Daamn I wanna make them cry so bad..that their eyes will want to pop out

And yes sometimes I miss how cool we were

And im.even more surprised about how cool I am.now too

But in that moment today..

I questioned so many things..,

Why im i so good to people sometimes

Why do I care..when evidently they didn’t

WTF 😒

And then I remembered.., you know you have a good heart when you feel bad doing bad things to people who deserve it..

When you apologise for mistakes you didn’t even commit

When you forgive..even before they ask for it

Prolly their shitty asses didn’t even realize they fucked you up or the don’t care

Or even worse that was their money move..that fucking you up so good was part of their agenda😭

And i still have no answer..on when to be the bigger person

And when to stup low to their level..and bitch it out..

I have to say though..

Being the bigger person is more like adulting

You hate it..but you got to know how to be good at it

How to control your emotions: again hard AF

I will be happy(oh Happy day🎶).., when I see karma work her way up to this ungrateful ingrids

Because then she will have proven that being the bigger person was the best choice

That all the days I cried and woke up smiling were all worth it

That all the days I held my tongue from making people jump off cliffs;

Was the right thing to do..

For now all you can do..is just smile through it..,

Shake their hands when all you want is to throw a shoe at them

To empathize with them when they have hard times..okay there is a little pleasure in knowing someone who hurt you is going through it

But again if you feel sorry at Any moment..you are one of the good ones

The good rare ones

The gems🥇

Today was a real temptation for me .. but I’m super proud I didn’t go all dragon 🐉

I feel it coming soon though 🔙🔛

And let’s hope then I’ll still chose to be the bigger person despite how bad it feels.. to see them living their best hoe lives

☯️ I guess this is what they call the BALANCE of LIFE💯

Got a new bra today though

And let me just say anytime you’re low look at your titties.. you’ll feel so much better especially with a good bra

New bra ..amazing titties;

Who dis🥇🥂

Have an amazing night loves

And thanks for always being here through this 💓💓

When people say they’ve moved on,

What do they really mean?

Like do you not care anymore?,

are you okay with what happened?

Or does it mean that it stopped hurting?

Or that you’re now okay with everything..,

Not waking up to that person, not hearing from them in days,

seeing them with other people,

knowing that they’re probably Soo okay without you,

and that you prolly never mattered in the first place

When you move on, do you not care why they did what they did?

Do you not care about closure no more,

Or does it mean that you’re trying to stay strong…each day,

Because if it’s hurt we are talking about;

then moving on must be harder than anything else

Because on some days, it hurts,

On others, I wanna beat the shit outta his ass

On other days…I really don’t care,

On some…oh my God..I miss him

On others, I wanna cry.., and I actually do,

So someone please tell me..at what point do you really move on?

Also anyone wants to drink their sorrows down ..

Halla at your giirrrlll,🥂

Only YOU matter to YOU and those around you

Let me break it down a bit more;You see,

the universe with all the systems, stars, void spaces its all made up of?..that universe doesn’t give a shit about you.and that is literally the title of a book by Johnny Truant.i mean its too big to care and its has too much going on within itself already to attend to you.

So you know what you have: YOU

,And second guessing and cowering doesn’t change the fact that time is moving and you’re getting old and you will die😂😂

People who get spooked at the thought of them dying at just hillarious; because we all will.,

We are all subject to the same constants of the universe and that is time

With each passing day..your time train takes you further and further from home or closer to home..whichever way you chose to look at it and whatever it is you consider home

Everytime you limit yourself simply because you feel like doing things differently and thinking outside the box will upset the universe because its delicate,

I’m here to tell you that’s a whole load of crap BS!!!

That you can’t be ridiculous because first impressions last forever 😂😂And that you can’t fail because you’d be ruined forever,😂😂

you won’t die .. you’ll probably feel stupid like really stupid 😂(you know like how you spend days drooling at someone who doesn’t even see you😅😅)then;

you’ll be so proud that you wrote that book,that you hosted an event that only two people showed up

But heey…you hosted an event.🥁🥁.

i would be terrified at the thought of hosting people..who need food and entertainment 😂😂😂😒where do you even start tho🤪

Nothing is permanent not even that tattoo you went for because when you return to dust..ooh booy.. goes right with you😂
So you have now, THINK NOW!😅you’re too small in this universe to do a job you hate, to procastinate that bucket list and to be timid about what you want.So whatever it is you want you just have to grab it and live it

If you want to be awesome then do awesome things, if you want to be a leader do some leading

Do epic shit to be an epic person

And Noble things to be a noble person

Because in essence nobility is valued by your actions

Bad people do bad things and nice people; nice things
Now there are times when bad people do nice things, and in that moment they are passed off as nice and vice versa

So be WHATEVER! Embrace the anarchy

The universe doesn’t hate you nor does it love you

It also won’t give you what you want and it won’t stop you either💯It’s all YOU

Tidings as y’all go out there to be the best versions or the most cunt version of yourselves🥂🥂